Poison Innocence (Gods and Monsters Part 1)
by freeangels43
Summary: They say if a crush lasts more than four months, you're in love. But what if it's been three years? Does that mean I've fallen in love with you nine times? Or have I just wasted 36 months? 156 weeks? 1095 days? ErenxOC ErenxMikasa
1. I'm Coming Home

**Hey guys so I'm starting over on Gods and Monsters because the whole thing in my mind just didn't make sense. I actually know where I'm going this time so it should run more smoothly and get interesting quicker. Same basic story line, maybe a few new characters just to make the story flow. I obviously don't own AoT/SnK so you know, disclaimer. Also, spoiler, the first three chapters are exclusively OC, but they're super important so don't worry. Read and review. That's it** **J**

 **Part 1**

 **Cyrena**

Strands of black hair fall in clumps on the wooden floor. My foster mother Laurel stands behind me, her industrious hands snipping away at my over grown ends.

"Could you turn your head for me?" she asks. I do what she says without speaking.

I watch her in the mirror as she works, pay attention to the crease that forms between her eyebrows when she is concentrating. I look at her intently because these might be my last few moments with her, for the next three years anyway. Today we leave for Trost, me and my cousin Thaddeus, to join the 104th Cadet Corps, training to fight "for the glory of humanity", as is printed on my Certificate of Acceptance and Admission. Just these moments with Laurel's fingers in my hair, this is all we have left. I promised myself I wouldn't cry but I can feel latent tears swelling in my throat.

"Are you nervous?" Laurel asks out of the blue.

"A little." I say after some thought, but it's not true. I'm excited, in fact, and terrified. I had heard this camp is a white knuckle ride through hell. Lucky for me, I've already been through hell and back more times than I visit the doctor for a checkup. "I heard the boot camp was really tough."

"Well you have no reason to be nervous. You know you're tougher than anything the world can throw at you. Hell, after everything you've been through, Shadis might seem like nothing more than a screaming child." Laurel jokes light heartedly.

I attempt a smile but I'm seeing flash backs again. Images of the Titans and citizens crushed by boulders show in my brain like a slide show. My heart starts to beat faster and I feel an attack coming on again, but I have to breathe. I have to move past this is I am going to be a soldier. I have to stay calm. I clutch the blue crystal necklace my father gave me when I was young and I force myself to think of pleasant things and present things like the blue hydrangea that is very common within Wall Rose. You see it everywhere when you walk outside. There's even a bush outside the window…

"You said you knew him?" I say getting back on topic. Laurel combs her fingers through my hair sending chills down my spine but then stops when I mention Shadis.

"Yea. Long time ago. Believe me when I say he was exactly the same." She says half-jokingly, half resentfully, I think, and then goes back to braiding my hair.

"How'd you know him?" I ask and she pauses again.

"Let's go over your Standards one more time." She says.

 _She's avoiding the question._ I think, but I go along with it.

"Okay. The solute represents the resolve in your heart to fight those bent on the systematic destruction of our people." I drill.

"And for this reason we solute with our…"

"Right side. Your heart isn't on your left."

"Good." Laurel says wrapping the white scarf over the top of my head. My wavy black hair spills out of the back like a waterfall stopping just below mid-back. I wear a simple brown peasant blouse with a long red skirt and my crystal necklace, which I keep tucked away most of the time. The early morning sun is peeking through the window, shining a light over my face, making my blue eyes appear light green like my mother's. Staring at my reflection in the mirror her face starts to flash, until I'm seeing her instead of me.

When Laurel is done with my hair she steps back and admires her work. She grins widely and covers her mouth with her hands. She looks like she might cry.

"You look so much like her, you know that?"

I look from Laurel to my refection in the mirror. My mother had jet black wavy hair and a heart shaped face. She had high cheek bones and more definition to her features as rewarded with age. Mom wasn't old, though. She was twenty eight at the time of her death. I force myself not to think about it but that doesn't keep me from feeling sad. A small tear drops from my right eyes, Laurel gently wipes it away.

"Now, now. No tears today." She says and she lift up my chin. I smile at her looking into her dark brown eyes. She is older lady but not quite old with short red hair and basic Wall Rose middle class attire.

"You can cry all you want tomorrow, though." Thad stands in the doorway with his arms crossed, I wonder how long he'd been standing there. Laurel makes a sound of exasperation.

"Don't be such a downer, Thad." She stands and walks towards him. Before either of us know what's happening Laurel grabs Thad by the neck and starts messing up his hair. You know we're gonna miss you even though you're always such a downer!" She says through gritted teeth and then laughs, finally succumbing to Thad's adamant detests and letting him go.

"C' mon. You gotta lighten up kid." She says finally before ruffling his hair again and walking out the door. "You guys make sure you have everything ready. The horses should be here shortly.

"We'll be ready." I say and she smiles at me, lingering in the doorway with her hand on the frame. She looks from me to Thad, well, the back of his head. He stays turned around, not even acknowledging the fact that Laurel is still in the room. She seems to notice this and frowns, trying to cover it up by walking away. I frown, too.

"Why do you have to be like that?" I accuse.

"Because I don't like pretending. It's just not something I'm used to _Cyrena_." He says pointedly.

"Stop." I say darkly, looking away.

 _He knows why I had to change._ I think. _Or does he really?_

"When are you gonna get tired of it Jenica?"

Getting called my real name after all this time is like a punch in the gut. An insult, and I won't be forgiving him quickly. Instead I storm past him to the living room, making sure I bump his shoulder as I pass.

[PAGE BREAK]

The MP guards sent to escort us to Trost district move our bags to the carriage outside. While I wait for them to finish I have my arms wrapped around my best friend Alani, I squeeze her so tight it's like I want to find a way to pull her into me and make us one so that I don't have to ever leave her. Ever.

"You promise you won't get into any trouble?" I say quietly.

"C'mon Ci, you know me." She replies confidently and I smile.

"That's my girl." I say and we break away. Alani is a master con artist and a clever manipulator. She is also blind, so no one suspects it is her doing the crimes.

Alani smiles at me with her hands still on my shoulders. The smile is then replaced by a more serious look.

"Are you gonna be okay?" she asks, her cloudy eyes are locked dead on my nose. I frown. Thad walks past us heaving a big brown box- mom's things. His blonde hair is still disheveled and he rolled up the sleeves of his white collared shirt. He moves with such aggression, like he's mad at the world, though I'm not sure he knows it himself. There was a time when he wasn't like this, but the world has a way of changing people. I watch him out the door and know Alani is talking about him.

"Yea we're fine." I say and then try to laugh. "We're going to Boot camp, Lani. That means if Thad acts up, Shadis will probably stick his foot up his-"

"That's not what I meant." She says flatly. I frown again. I know what she means now. I see it in her worried stare. I remember pulling her through the bloody streets of Shiganshina. I remember being cornered by a Titan and picking up the dead soldier's bloody swords. There was so much blood. I force the images from my mind with clinched fists and gritted teeth.

"I have to do this, Lani." I say finally.

"I wish you didn't." She says and with a sad smile.

"I know." I say softly and hug her again. "I'll try to write to you every day-" I realize what I said exactly two seconds after I say it. Alani just laughs.

"You better. Just don't put anything to personal." She teases. "Like, if you kill someone you should probably keep that to yourself."

"Right." I laugh dryly. And then we're quiet. We look at each other and smile, the rest of our conversation lingers in the air with unspoken words and understanding until our time is up.

"Cyrena." Thad calls, I turn around and he nods toward the carriage. I take a deep breath and smile.

"Duty calls." I say cheerfully.

"Go make them pay for it." Alani says, I nod and then take off. Off to a new life, one with a purpose.


	2. Less Travelled Roads

**Part 2**

The horses' feet clomp loudly against the dirt road. Thad and I sit silently on one side of the carriage, there are four other future cadets in the carriage with us. We are all silent. I still haven't forgiven Thad for this morning, and he still hasn't forgiven me for my whole life, so as things stand we are not off to a very good start. I don't want to think about this now, though. Looking out the open end of the carriage, I just want to focus on the road and the world I'm leaving behind.

Everything is glowing in the yellow noon sun, and the grass stands tall on either side of the dirt road. The carriage bumps and grinds over large pebbles and rocks and these are the only sounds that fill the space. I study the faces of each new cadet. They're all boys. One has messy black hair and soft features, he must be around thirteen. There's no one in the cart that looks older than thirteen, except Thad, who is fifteen. The other boy has dirty blonde curls and a strange nose and freckles. He doesn't look that strong. There's another boy with long brown hair, straight and combed back, he looks closer to fourteen with more defined features and long legs. Finally, there's a kid with white blonde hair that grows out of his head like a bush with curls that frame his pale face. Everyone here is so pale, I feel out of place with my noticeably olive skin. My mother was always tan, it was part of why she was so popular. She was exotic, she was different.

Finally someone says:

"Does anyone know where we are?" It was the Dirty blonde, he sounds timid. I look outside and all I see is green and blue. Fields, mountains, and farms, but that in no way discloses our location. I start to wnder, too.

"We're about to pass Ishiko, a major trade center and the poster village for agricultural commerce." The brown haired boy explains, "And also the only major city we're likely to pass if we keep heading south on this path. They've less metropolitan areas as we get closer to the Wall. You see that town over there?"

The carriage turns about a curve on the hill we've been travelling down exposing a world of blue water that stretches as far as the horizon, but only about as wide as a lake would go. Touching that lake is a well-to-do looking town with tiny box like buildings and very narrow looking streets.

"That's Karaness, the south ends leading town for fishing and irrigation systems."

"So?" The dirty blonde says indignantly.

"So in relation to our current location, we should be approaching the Inner Gate by sun down. After that it all depends on the horses."

"How do you know all that?" I ask, he smiles at me and I feel myself blush involuntarily.

"My dad worked with the Bureau of Demographics in the State, he drew maps."

 _Worked?_ I think, but decide not to ask. I hate it when people ask about my mother, I hate it even more when people ask about my dad. I'm not sure if the brown haired boy's dad is dead but unless he tells me specifically I am not going to ask. Period.

"What does that have to do with being a soldier?" The blonde haired boy pitches in.

"I'm sorry?"

"You're joining the cadets aren't you? But your dad draws maps."

The brown haired boy looks truly incredulous. He furrows his brows until there's absolutely no space between them. The blonde boy slaps his fist over his chest.

"My Daddy is a Garrison. He's a vanguard and when I grow up, I'm gonna use those giant cannons to kill Titans and Protect Wall Rose." The blonde says haughtily. I almost don't like him, but his intentions are pure. I frown anyways and think to myself: _My Daddy's a Scout. And I'm gonna help him kill Titans, too._

After a few hours I have the boys' names and home towns. Ezra Dietrich from Kameko Village, the black haired boy; Rowan O'Brien from Sedona, the dirty blonde; Dominic Pierce from Sedona, the guy with bush hair, and Abelard Noble from Adalrich.

"But that's in the Interior." I say bemused.

"Yes it is." He says with a smile, it is ridiculously annoying by this point.

"Why on Earth would you want to be a soldier?" Dominic asks, equally incredulous.

"I'm joining the Scouts." He says, and everyone makes sounds of bemusement, even Thaddeus, who has been quiet the whole ride, looks up from his doldrums. "And I'm going to assist Commander Erwin in mapping out field expeditions."

I open my mouth to share something but the words die in my throat. I look at Thad, who looks more like a statue than a person. His face is consistently blank as he rocks steadily in sync with the carriage, but I can tell he felt the same pang as me when Abelard mentioned Commander Erwin.

"The Scouts?" Ezra repeats.

"Now I know you're crazy." Dominic declares.

"I wouldn't get my hopes too high." Thad interjects. "Signing up for recon is like a death sentence. You'll probably die before the Commander even learns your name."

Everyone goes silent. I have to physically bite down on my tongue to keep from screaming at him. For being such a hypocrite, for being so damn cynical all the time, but now is not the time for a family intervention. Not while we have an audience. Instead I shoot him a deadly look, if only looks could kill.

"First time you open your mouth this whole trip," I say calmly but pissed, "And that's what comes out?"

Thad looks at me but he doesn't say anything. We just glare at each other until Abelard speaks.

"It's alright Cyrena." He says, and I look into his brown eyes, shocked. How could he say it's alright? It's not. I look away and scowl. Boys can be such idiots.

And then we are silent again. Its night time and we are riding through the woods. I don't like this, I never have enjoyed the solitude of the woods. They always gave me chills, even when my heart was light. I wonder if it is possible to reroute. I wonder this tirelessly until I hear a noise. Like a sword slicing through flesh, and then the horses start to shriek. They buckle and begin to run. We run over something big and it shakes the carriage violently, sending me flying out.

"Jenica!" I hear Thad's voice urgently before I pass out.

I see a flash of light, then darkness.


	3. Crimson Regret

**Part 3**

 **Third POV**

"Jenica!" Thad screams her name as she peels off his side and crashes into the ground and what looks like a body. All the color drains from his face.

"Is that our driver?" Abelard sounds like he's staring at the devil. Thad scowls at him, he doesn't like the guy or the idea of dying with him while his little cousin lay helpless in their wake. He needs to find out what is going on, but how-

 _Clink_

Just as he starts to figure out the situation the carriage stops, but the horses hooves are still moving, he can hear them run. Did someone…cut them free? Thaddeus turns his head checking to see if the boys are alright. Sweat beads are starting to roll down his face. His breathing is erratic and he clutches the bench seat and the wall so hard his fists are white. What's going to happen next? Are these people dangerous?

"What the hell was that man?" Ezra shrieks.

"I want to go home." Dominic cries.

"Why'd the cart stop?" Rowan inquires, but Thad cares none for their questions.

 _Jenica._

He collects himself and then jumps to his feet, and then off the platform.

"Jenica." He says to himself and then starts running towards his cousin, but he is soon cut off by a tall man who appears in front of him. He must have jumped from the trees. He is many feet taller than Thad, and wears a short red cloak, in the same fashion as the ones worn in the Scout Regiment. Thaddeus looks up at his face, it is half covered by a red hood, but he can see his square jaw and a scar that splits his face down the side. For the first time in a long time Thad is frozen with fear. He feels like a useless little boy again, the same person he was trying to abolish. He hears the screams from the other boys. There are men in red cloaks surrounding the mouth, just like the one in front of him. They are closing in on them. Thad whips back around to see Scarface is still standing in front of him. This is not a nightmare. Tears well in his eyes and he begins to whimper.

 _I don't want to die!_ He thinks, and he's about to beg for his life when he sees the man reveal his blades, he pulls back his cloak just enough so Thad can see them. He gasps at the sight of them and the man pulls out one sword with a grandeur swing.

 _He's using theatrics._ Thad surmises. _What kind of rebel clan is this?_

He whips around back at the other men, they're holding one sword above they're head too, exactly like the man in front of him. At exactly the same height. What is this?

He whips around again to see Jenica still on the ground. She has blood all over her but he can't tell if it's hers or the driver's.

 _Stay down, Jenny._ He wills her. _And act like your dead._

He knows it might not work, but it's all she can do to stay safe. He hears the other boys whimpering, they sit on their knees in front of the Red Cloaks. He can hear his heartbeat beating in his ears. But then he hears something else. Scarface is chanting something, and he can just barely make it out.

 _Incubus introierunt in circuli. Invoco te in dubiis rebus dubiis in adjutorium meum intende._

What is that?

 _Filiae introierunt in circuli. Invoco te in dubiis rebus dubiis in adjutorium meum intende._

What are you saying? Thad's eyes widen as they repeat their chant.

Cyrena is frozen. Her mind is screaming to get up and help them, but she knows in her heart that there is nothing she can do. So she clutches the dead driver letting his blood drip over her. Silent tears spill down her cheeks.

 _Not again._

She pleads to God.

 _I'm so sorry, Thad. I'm so-_

In inexplicable synchrony they cut down the little boys. The boys with dreams, the boys with families, the boys with so much potential that is being wasted right here in crimson life liquid. The weight of the situation crushes her lungs and Cyrena holds back a scream.

His blood sprays out of Thad's neck as he falls to his knees and then lay on his side.

 _I'm so sorry, cousin._

She fights the images of Titans that appear, with blood decorating their faces. Suddenly she feels someone standing over her.

A Red Cloak stands above her with his sword extended. He looks down on her for a while, perfectly still.

 _Just play. You act like it all the time._

After seconds that feel like hours one of the other Red Cloaks says:

"Let's clear out. I don't wanna be here when these bodies start to smell." His voice is low and raspy. Cyrena will remember it, she makes a note to if she lives.

But the Red Cloak just gets closer, he squats and tilts his head, examining her face intently. He pushes her hair back, exposing her neck.

 _Shit he's gonna search for a pulse. I'm so dead._

The man keeps stroking her hair. Cyrena remains completely still.

"Come on, we have to go." The other one pushes nervously. "Alright we've done our job here. Let's just leave her as she is. We can't take her with us, we can't take that risk."

This declaration is followed by silence.

 _They know I'm alive…why don't they kill me?_

"Come on. Let's go."

The Red Cloak put his hands on his knees and stands gracefully. Then he spins on his heels and walks past his brother, bumping shoulders. Then they group flies away by ODM Gear.

 _Are they gone?_

Silence.

 _They're gone._

Cyrena sits up and kicks away the driver's body. She stares at her hands, they're covered in blood. They bring flashbacks from another time. She feels the panic attack coming. She breathes deep heavy breaths, loud breaths, and falls to her hands and knees. She starts to cry. For her dead cousin, her family, for those boys and their families, for a father for abandoning her. For the Universe for creating such awful people. What will the Commander do about this? She hugs herself and sobs loudly, her arms and clothes are covered in blood.

 _I am a murderer._ She thinks _I didn't save them._

She crawls over to her cousin, to Thad, and then hugs him. And she sobs some more, big fat tears fall down her cheeks and wet her nose, thinking of all the times they fought. Thinking of how she had been mad at him up until the end. Regret is the order of the day, it seems. Grievance and regret.


End file.
